If you're a guy, you ain't neva bought no plant!

Plants are incredible creatures. All they need is water dirt & sun. Water, dirt and sun! That's it! Okay and maybe a little bit of love. Now you buy the plant, the dirt's taken care of. All you gotta worry about is the water and sun. you put the plant next to a window, the sun's takin care of business, so all you gotta worry about is the water.
Chances are, if you're a guy you ain't bought no plant. Your girlfriend momma or sister bought that shit for you. Chances are if you are a guy and hava plant it's a cactus.

Most guys I know don't have plants.

Dirt and sun is doin they job, so why can't you get your water on? Every place I know gotta tap. But plants are resilient bastards. If you ain't givin them no liquid love they downsize. Inside the plant it’s like:

“Captain we ain't gettin enough nutrients, dirt's turn to sand, three stems is dried the fuck out, we lost the flower on the west side, wutta we do?”
“Gawtdamn! That nigguh can take a shower for half an hour, but we can't get a cup of dat good shit? Retreat! Pull it in boys!”

And they be droppin leaves like your fingers get cold in the winter. When stress comes plants cut they losses. Damn, if humans were designed like that I'd be in a fuckin wheelchair right now.

I'm fired?

Plop!

There go my arm.

Evicted?

Plop!

There go my leg.

Your last boyfriend was...better?

PLOP!

There go my dick.