Friday, March 31, 2006

Lucky Penny!!


Grade 2.

My teacher is Mrs. Nurse, a squat black woman with flawless lego hair , a mole and glasses all in brown. Cute old lady now that I think about it. Anyways, while waiting in line for her to correct a paper I casually write 'fuck you' on one of her desk papers. Not to her, just for the fuck of it.

She eventually sees it and asks the class who did it. No one responds so one by one she asks everyone to write it. I foolishly take My time to write it differently from the scribble I did. Mrs. Nurse immediately figured out it was Me.

Lunch time she holds me back in an empty classroom to call My dad. I'm bawling cuz my pops was the type to beat my ass for putting the toilet paper in the wrong way.

She comes back to a tearful Me to and brusquely tells me to leave for lunch and that she didn't call the abusive fucker.


That wuz punishment enuff.

I look back now and laff.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Jesus is dead and nobody knows what he looks like.

Jesus is dead and nobody knows what he looks like.

Y'all worshipping Michael Angelo's brother…

The Church: Draw Jesus, Michael Angelo. So says the Lord.
You've…put on a couple pounds Michael Angelo...

Michael A: S'all that foreign food.


Michael A: Dude, wanna be Jesus?

Michael A’s bro: Pfft. Chya.

Michael A’s: …Oh that's good, your arms like that.

Michael A’s bro: You grew another chin!

Michael A’s: Hold that pose…Yeah, I got tits too.

Michael A’s bro: How much they paying you?

Michael A’s: My weight in gold. I'ma ask ‘em to extend my deadline.

So! When I'm sayin ‘Jesus PJ Harvey Kietel Christ!!’
or ‘M'put m'foot in him Jesushole!’ I'm talkin 'bout the fake Jesus,
not the too cool for rule dude who hung out with sex workers and afropunks….

Sunday, March 19, 2006

I've met many a monster in my day...

Some of which have been close friends...

Thursday, March 16, 2006

You Vs. Your Parents

The difference between your music and your parents' music is that they're still listening to the shit they used to when they were fifteen. Hendrix, Zepplin, James Brown, Sabbath, Aretha, Janis Joplin, Curtis Mayfield., etc. Who here is gonna listen to 50 Cent when they're 50? Who's gonna rock 'My humps my humps my lovely lady lumps' when your humps are more like klumps?

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

A Whole New Respect 4 Shakespeare

WARNING!: The following has a spoiler!!!

Any of y'all read Titus or seen the movie starring Anthony Hopkins?

Rent it. It's a funky, futuristic, bloody interpretation of this Shakespearean masterpiece.

What's more it's got a momma joke in it.

No shit.

There's a scene where a Moor has been fucking the queen and her sons are freaked that people will finally know about it and one of them says:

Son: Our mother is undone!!
Moor: Villain, I've done thy mother.

No shit!

I freaked out and reround that scene five times, then picked up my Shakespeare's Classics book. Looked up Titus, found the scene, and lo and behold, Shakespeare wrote a momma joke!

I've gained a whole new level of respect...

Monday, March 13, 2006

Fuck all y'all punk-ass parents

Yeah you. If you smoke in front of your kid you're a PUNK. 'Oh, but we're outside, so it's okay'. Yes, truer words have never been spoken. FUCK YOU. There's no excuse. Greeeeeeat role model, Do-As-I-Say-and Not-What-I-do Messiah. Like your kid will respect you. That's like telling your kid not to hit his little sister, but you'll smack him if he gets out of line. Your child shouldn't even KNOW you smoke until they're grown up and out the fatherfuckin' house. MAYbe. The next generation's got the biggest job yet, try to smooth 'em in huh?

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Ain't nuthin worse than waking up starvin'...

and havin' to go for a shit.

I mean, which do you do first?

You hobble out to the kitchen and look for somehin to hold you, ANYthing to sustain you through the marathon shit that's been building in your bowels overnight, but no one wants to eat when they gotta shit. And no captain, you do NOT have permission to eat while you shit.

On the other hand you can evacuate before fueling up...

You sittin there on the throne pushin, yet, you ain't got enough strength to get the shit out. BUT, you *can* use the hunger pangs to help with the contractions. Lord help you if you're constipated

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Tariq Kahn & The Highbreed

Ladies & gentlemen in the Montreal area. Every Wednesday 10:00@ Jello bar My boy Tariq and his crew rip it UP. Everything from Afrobeat to soul, r n'b, funk, reggae hip hop and more done not only live but pulled COMPLETELY OUT OF THEIR ASSES. On the spot improv at its finest. You can't GET any better. DJ Dav spins house funk and plenty of tunage in between sets to keep it moving. Add the fact that I'm doing stand up before each set and it's all over. Last nite's shenanigans were riCOCKulous. And this goes down every WEDNESDAY no matter how shitty it is outside. 2 for 1 beers too so you've really got no excuse.

Jellobar! 151 Ontario East just two blox east of St-Laurent

See you then.